Are you naughty? (December 2009)

Alright, around the holidays it’s just too easy to make the “naughty or nice” jokes. It’s flirtatious and fun. It can also be taken too far, too quickly. Like when you’ve never met the person before. So dating around the holidays is weird and awkward. People have hectic schedules, people are out of town, work is busy, work is dead, etc. So I emailed Omaha (as we’ll call him) through match a few times before giving him my phone number. We began texting as well. Nothing out of the ordinary, just the get to know you type stuff. We planned to meet up when he got home from spending the holidays in Nebraska. I was on the way home from a friend’s house late one Saturday night when the texts started pouring in from Omaha. They started out innocent enough. Asking about my holiday, what I was doing, what I was wearing (???) before turning, well, downright inappropriate. Before too long he was asking me to send him dirty text messages. That’s not how I roll. Especially if I’ve never met you. I told him to grow up. I stopped returning his texts. Yes, this stuff really does happen to me.

If I don’t laugh, I’ll cry.

Go ahead, you can touch it if you want. (December 2009)

Maybe I’m being way too kind by giving men “the benefit of the doubt”. Chances are if I’m getting a weird vibe from them on the first date, it’s because they are weird. Also, I might need to stop dating Texans. Neither her nor there. So date one with Texas Meathead took us to the local sushi joint with a bar in the basement. Drinks were $5. I had two. Guess who paid? I did. Strike one. I also had to walk to my car alone that night. Strike two. But I was flattered when he texted the next morning, so I agreed to a second date. *Note: I had a bad vibe from the start of date 1. Ladies, trust your instincts.* For our second date he suggested Mexican food and margs. Perfect, I’m on a mission to find Denver’s best marg. He suggested Lime in hip and happening Larimer Square. Apparently on Friday nights this restaurant should be called “Club Lime”. Really Lime, techo and house music at 8pm while people are eating? Come on, you’re better than that! Or maybe not. So at some point early in the evening I was asked by Texas Meathead how many times that day I had worked out. It was Friday, I was tired. I did not get up early to go to the gym. I worked all day. I said zero. You would have thought I said I kick puppies for fun with the look I got. You see, he’d been to the gym three times that day. He proceeded to flex his bicep to prove it. He also said “go ahead, you can touch it if you want to.” I didn’t want to touch it. I wanted to vomit in his general direction. Then when our food came (which was a piss poor excuse for Tex-Mex, at best. I seriously think I’ve had better food at Taco Bell. But I digress…) Texas Meathead was so focused on shoveling food in his mouth that I’m pretty sure he didn’t take a single breath for 5 minutes. That’s how long it too him to eat his food. 5 minutes. On a date. I thought maybe I was confused and that he had entered us in a speed eating contest. I half expected him to slam his marg then beat his chest while proclaiming “Meathead full”, followed by a belch. So at this point Texas Meathead goes to the bathroom and I strike up a conversation with a nice gentleman at the bar. Texas Meathead didn’t like that one bit because before I knew what was happening he told me to get my coat, stormed out of “Club Lime”, and marched through Larimer Square. At this point I decided he was ridiculous, so I stopped walking. I was left on a street corner with my mouth hanging open as he stormed off in the general direction of his car. Date over! At least he paid for the crap food and horrible margs!

If I don’t laugh, I’ll cry.

The boyfriend. (June 2009 - December 2009)

Since I’m still looking back at this point, now’s the time I can tell you about my last boyfriend, The Lawyer. The Lawyer from Texas (hold on to that nugget because you’ll notice a theme.) The Lawyer taught me a lot. He was nice, he liked me, he called when he said he would, he held doors, he held my hand. He showed me exactly how I should be treated. He genuinely was a nice guy. We met online at a very weird time in my life. I had been laid off from Dream Job in Oregon and decided to move home to Denver. The first two things I did were booked movers and updated my match profile with a Denver zip code. I met The Lawyer almost right away, but wouldn’t be moving home for about another two months. We started exchanging emails about once every 3-4 days until I was back in Denver. Our first date was your typical drinks at a bar, but we stayed out much later than planned just talking. We went to a Rockies game that following week, then went out for sushi the week after that. It progressed from there and the first two months were simply fantastic. He was thoughtful. He was (is) ambitious. He had (has) a good job. Then something changed. I can’t pinpoint it, but it was about half way into our four month relationship that something was different. I knew it. I shouldn’t have stuck around for another two months waiting for the other shoe to drop. I should have trusted my gut. Things didn’t get “bad” per say, they just were not the same. So I finally decided around the end of November that I’d get through the holidays, spend New Years Eve with him…and that would be the make-it-or-break-it point. No need to wait until NYE, he did the breaking right after Thanksgiving. He’s “too busy”, but breaking up is the hardest thing he’s ever had to do. (GAG) Well he’s had a pretty fantastic life then if that’s what he considers “hard”. Good for him. (No really, I don’t have hard feelings and I’m in the process of seeing if we can be friends. I miss his friendship a lot.) It worked out though, because I was able to return the Xmas gift I bought him, buy a new outfit for me, and wear it out to the bars that Saturday night. Of all the gin joints in all the world…we had to end up at the same damn place that night of course. Denver is so very small sometimes. I know I saw him. I know I spoke to him. Hell if I know what I said, I was hammered from all the guys buying me drinks because I looked hot in my new clothes. And he was dressed like an elf. Happy holidays, I win.

Portland. Like Boulder, only closer to the ocean. (June 2008 - June 2009)

Moved to Portland only knowing two people there, they happened to be engaged to each other. Not a large circle of friends. So I thought I’d try something different this time and I joined eHarmony. Filled out the bazillion question survey and was deemed worthy of joining their service. I now question their criteria for 1) selecting people for their site 2) setting those people up with me. I pretty much met everyone that was the exact opposite of me and what I was (am) looking for. My two favorites were the small town guy (with closed-minded small town views) and the single dad. I never actually met the single dad in person, one phone call was enough to realize that I should run (not walk) away very, very quickly. We were discussing the areas of town we were living in and our living situations. He was living in a two bedroom condo with a set price for his rent and utilities. He had a really good deal (read: cheap) for a nice, large, new place in a good area. He was complaining that he thought rent was too high and he really needed to save money. His idea was to rent out his friend’s garage to live in for $200/month. Yes, garage. As in move the lawn mower and mountain bike to make room for a mattress. When I asked about the weekends his son was with him, inquiring as to weather he was going to make his son also sleep in the garage, he informed me that his hope was to meet a woman that he and his son could stay with on those weekends. He was looking for free rent, not a girlfriend.

If I don’t laugh, I’ll cry.

A few good men, the Boston installment. (July 2003 – March 2006)

While I had my fair share of New England disasters, there were some really good dates (and good men) thrown in there too. Best date while I lived there, hands down, was the surprise date to Newport. He wouldn’t tell me where we were going, other than to lunch. He made sure I had the whole day open, and he took me to Rhode Island. We had lunch in Newport, did the mansion cliff walk, and went to the Tennis Hall of Fame. Great day. There were some great dates surrounding the Red Sox as well. I’ll never forget watching the Red Sox win the World Series with Worm in 2004. (Yes, he had a compost in his kitchen in Somerville, complete with worms. Hence the nickname.) There was a great date while the Tribe was in town…hot, hot, humid day but great seats with a great guy made it not quite as bad. And the Palm. One of the best first dates EVER. Great conversation, great chemistry, great food. The second date was almost as good as the first with a pizza and the Red Sox on TV at his house (my idea). Oh, and there were numerous first dates at great restaurants in the North End. Sounds like I ate my way through Boston on these dates, huh? That was the idea! Between the North End, Sam Adams beer, and Fenway Park there were some home runs in New England to balance out the disasters.

Hope, still hanging on to that hope.

Adventures in Dating: Denver Take 1 (January 2002 - June 2003)

I guess I could back up even further to Fort Collins or Boulder, and entertain you with stories of dating while in college. Although I really don’t count random fraternity guys buying me nachos and a Presidente Margarita at Chili’s “dating”…even if said frat guy did happen to pick me up at the Kappa house and we sat at a table for two. So I’ll just begin (from what I can remember) with my post-collegiate stories. I’m pretty sure I’ll remember the disasters better than the semi-good dates. Let the games begin…

What I do remember from dating in my early 20s was how random I was. If a seemingly nice guy was interested in me, I wasn’t interested in him. If a totally unavailable and inappropriately young guy wasn’t interested in me at all…boy was I chasing after that! So here are a few notes from what I can recall:

**I was encouraged not to date anyone affiliated with the professional sports team I worked for. Who do you think my main targets were???

**If you tell your boyfriend (and I use that term very loosely) where to park in downtown Denver, you should also try to remember where that not-so-secret location is at 2am. It’s also not advised to chase tequila shots with several Rio margs. Bad night.

**Even if your boyfriend drives a Jeep, when the authorities say to stay off the roads, stay off the roads. Otherwise you will be snowed in with someone you really didn’t really want to spend all that much time with, even if he is your boyfriend. Lesson learned the hard way!

**Massachusetts accents are cute when you live in Denver. But, that doesn't mean you should date someone just because of their accent. Unless they are English...

I'll add more stories as they come to mind. Apparently the alcohol has in fact impaired my memory. Go figure!

You can't make this stuff up!

I decided to start this blog at the prompting of a few good friends. We’ve all had our fair share of bad dates. We’ve had our share of good ones too! As I go through life searching for meaningful connections with people I meet in various ways, there are bound to be a few stumbles along the way. Here are my stories. The good. The bad. And the ugly. I hope they make you laugh. They may even make you cry. But at least you and I both know that we are not alone. Adventures in Dating…

**note: names are changed or nicknames given so as not to disclose true identity. This is not intended to offend, but rather to make you laugh.**

I'm dedicating this first post to Koko, since she was the straw that broke the camels back and got me off my tail to start this blog. Thanks Koko!